The Separation of Life and Work

Simply put. There is none. At least not in the work I do. Part of me believes that I have come to terms with this but moments like this I see how far I have to go with getting my mind wrapped around the work we do. Many people ask "How do you do it?" To be honest, I haven't figured out the answer. There are few careers that involve bringing your heart and soul to your job and they typically fall into the helping professions. I am, and many of you, we are some of the few who have fallen into the trap of nonexistent balance achievement.

In the fewest of words, I have not reached the first day of school yet and I am spent. This must be what our country feels like to be in deficit because I have no more to give and all my earnings are going right back to my debtors. Now that may be a stretch but amuse me. In no uncertain terms, there have been numerous hours that my coworkers and I have spent non-stop pouring our hearts and souls into our students' development because we love that we can make a difference of their final product. At times we get so caught up in being there, mentally, emotionally and physically that we don't see the reality of exhaustion and utter defeat in the war against ourselves. Hours upon hours, we pour. Pour our thoughts, our time, our love and support into the vessels of our students. Some these days are grateful but those can be few and far between. Beyond this, the ultimate sacrifice is ourselves.

I often think this position has led me into becoming a machine that no longer can tell where work separates from my life. My conversations with friends and family have somehow morphed into developmental conversations that look very similar to those that I have with my students. I interpret sharing the matters of my day with loved ones as talking too much and consistently time myself to make sure I'm allowing them a chance to talk, much like a 1on1 with my students where I don't share, I just listen. I cringe when I know I need to talk to someone about how I'm feeling because I wonder if I am just another meeting or seen as a student in crisis. Time to do things for myself have to be scheduled in advance and only limited to a short period of time and they those items to do can often be found in some to do list that often gets lost it work papers. Let's not even start with emails. I have become addicted to emails because of the need to be in constant communication with my students at all times. The number of emails typically reflect the amount of items I will need to add onto my work to-do list. In turn, sometimes emails in my gmail account become items on a to do list and I haste to read and empty my mailbox in fear that I will be behind. (on what? I ask myself... the new sale at Coach or Banana Republic? God forbid I'm not in the know with that... smh... I pity myself sometimes.)

I must say, sitting back and reflecting on all of this only leads me to believe that I can't function this way. When my reservoir is empty the people who suffer are the ones I want to be there for 150%. My family, my friends, my love. The person I am in a position that has such a fine line between life and work is not someone I am fond of. Every last drop I can find, I give to the people important to me, after finding out that at the end of a day or week that seems to have gone on for ever, I had given most of what I had to my work. I thought I would spend my 20s solidifying the person I am and getting a chance to do all that I wanted. I must say, I am blessed to say I have been able to do a little of that but overwhelmingly, I am not the person I would like to be. I want to be the one who remembers birthdays, anniversaries, and milestones so I can celebrate those who are near and dear. I want to be one who comes home and has the energy and excitement of cooking a new meal or having dinner on the table just in time to watch Jeopardy. I want to wake up in the morning and enjoy a run and a bowl of oatmeal while I watch the Today show and catch up on blogs. I want to read my Essence Magazines to find out "what every black woman needs to know". That unfortunately, is not my life. It's about a month out of the year that I get to call summer.

The separation of life and work in this career is much like the separation of church and state. We trust in God for our money, our nation is Under God in mandatory pledges, we promise the court that we will tell no lies when we place our hand on the Bible. (While I am a born again Christian, I admit that this is quite an anomaly.) This is my life right now... an anomaly of balance and separation of life and work. Not sure if I have a life... I just work and it makes my head hurt.

Hopefully those friends who share in this sentiment understand that I speak for all of us who feel like this in our jobs... not just me. Hopefully it feels good to know that you're not alone.